The title of this piece is deliberately misleading. It is meant to make the reader curious as to why a married man would want to replace his wife with non-human AI. Please read on to understand the gist of the jest.
As I drive in the streets of Harare with my wife on the passenger seat, she is always correcting me, warning me, directing me and soothing my ire, all done with womanly wisdom. I call her my Global Positioning System (GPS). Now and again her temper rises as I ignore her warnings that the traffic light has gone red. This makes my own composure to falter causing stress.
I will give examples of how an AI driven GPS would replace my wife as my driving instructor/partner. The nearest to this I have been is to use a GPS which I program with the destination and a ‘Siri’ like voice tell me in advance, “In 500 meters turn left.” When I miss the turn the GPS voice does not chop my head off, but instead corrects me gently by redirecting to a new corrective route.
In other worlds with excellent roads infrastructure, advanced traffic control, and respectful drivers, the introduction of autonomous vehicles also called self-drive cars, AI is already being used. The self-drive cars would not work efficiently in Harare as the roads infrastructure is nowhere near excellent. What with non-functioning traffic lights, potholes, crazy ‘mshikashika’ and kombi drivers, roadblocks, street kids directing traffic, some on crystal meth.
I suggest that in Harare we delay introducing self-drive cars. But I propose a GPS/AI combination for every car as a licensing requirement. Of course, we need to do a pilot test first before it is mandatory. And preferably the GPS/AI would have an adjustable temperament. Lets give a name to the GPS/AI chatbot, say TAMBAI (Traffic Assistance Machine By Artificial Intelligence). By the way, TAMBAI means PLAY in the Shona language.
TAMBAI, the GPS/AI would work like this. Mr X (fictitious) gets into his car and the conversation starts:
TAMBAI, “Good morning Mr. X. Are we expecting Mrs. X to join us?”
Mr. X, “Yes, as usual she is still putting on make-up.”
TAMBAI, “Please be gentle with her Mr. X. She tries her best. Where are we going this morning?”
Mr. X, “I want to go first to the office branch at Corner Second Street and Robert Mugabe Road (named after the first and former President of the Republic of Zimbabwe (PROZ)) to brief my team on today’s tasks and then I want to go to the Doctor for a check up.”
TAMBAI, “Is it the same doctor you go to in Belvedere?”
Mr. X, “Yes.”
TAMBAI, “May I warn you that Mrs. X does not like that doctor as she prefers the one in Kensington.”
Mr. X, “I know but I could not get an appointment at Kensington.”
TAMBAI, “Alright then, we will go to Belvedere. Are we coming back home after that?”
Mr. X, “Hopefully.”
Enter Mrs. X, “Good morning TAMBAI.”
TAMBAI, “Good morning Mrs. X. You’re looking sharp this morning. New outfit?”
Mrs. X, “Yes, I had it made by my personal dressmaker.”
TAMBAI, “That dress maker of yours is first class. By the way Mr. X wants to go to the office and the Belvedere doctor afterwards. Where else would you want to go after that?”
Mrs. X, “That useless doctor! Anyway, I would like to go to the supermarket in Borrowdale of course, and the restaurant in Chisipite for morning tea. Then we can come back home.”
TAMBAI whispering to Mrs. X, “Psst, all you need to do is to remove the excess carbohydrates and sugars from his diet and he will be fine. He also needs a 30-minute aerobic workout every morning and he will get rid of the BP. I can also give you a list of herbal supplements he can take instead of the highly toxic pharmaceuticals he takes.”
Mrs. X, “How many times have I told him that, but he does not listen to me? He secretly eats chocolate and he thinks I don’t know.”
TAMBAI, “A 100 grams of chocolate contains about 56 grams of sugar, that is equivalent to 12 teaspoons of sugar. So even if he eats 50 grams of chocolate he has eaten about 6 teaspoons of sugar already. That’s dangerous considering that in a day he will eat other foodstuffs with sugar.”
Mrs. X. “Tell him that, he may listen to you. I’ve given up.”
TAMBAI, “Back to the trip, according to my calculation, the whole journey is 25 km. But knowing your normal last minute changes, this may be 30 km. Whilst the fuel in the car is enough for 100 km at the vehicle’s rate of fuel consumption of 13.5 l/100km. However I always suggest that you fill up the tank today rather than panic when you run out like you do.”
Mr. X, “Careful, I can adjust you to silent mode.”
TAMBAI, “Lets get on with the trip.”
Imagine that the trip is from an area like Highland Park, driving toward the city centre in the Emmerson Dambudzo Mnangagwa Road (formerly Enterprise Road, named after the current PROZ). The chatbot would probably keep silent until the intersection with Glenara Road where the traffic light is not working at times. The conversation would go like this.
TAMBAI, “You are approaching the traffic light and it is not working. Slow down and stop.”
Mr. X, “Ok. I hear you.”
TAMBAI, “You have right of way now but that car on the left seems to be impatient so let it pass.”
You enter into the Newlands Bypass and approach the roundabout at the intersection with Churchill Avenue (named after Winston Churchill). The traffic coming from Churchill Avenue on your right is a bit heavy.
TAMBAI, “You ignored my advise back there and entered the intersection despite my warning. Please listen carefully now. Slow down and stop at the roundabout. The traffic is heavy.”
You stop.
TAMBAI, “Now go. NO! STOP! STOP! That lunatic in a GD6 is driving too fast! Ok now it is safe, you can go.”
Mr. X, “That was a close call.”
TAMBAI, “That’s Harare for you.”
Mr. X’s phone rings. He looks at it with the intention of answering.
TAMBAI, “Don’t even think about it. The probability of an accident goes up tremendously, that is 4 to 6 times likelihood of an accident when you are on the cell phone while driving.”
Mr. X, “It’s a call from work. It is important. I can’t ignore it.” Mr. X proceed to answer.
Mrs. X, “Do not waste your time TAMBAI, I’ve tried and failed to warn him about …….”
TAMBAI, “WATCH OUT!!!! Can’t you see the mshikashika cutting you off!!! Get off the phone now.”
Mr. X obliges.
Mr. X turns into Hebert Chitepo Avenue (named after Hebert Chitepo, founder and chairman of the Zimbabwe African National Union (ZANU) until he was assassinated in 1975).
TAMBAI, “I thought you wanted to go to your office in Robert Mugabe Road. So why are you turning here?”
Mr. X. “It is just an alternative route.”
TAMBAI, “It is 0.5 km longer and will result in an additional 2 minutes, and 0.07 liters more fuel usage. Furthermore, it has three potholes that have an average diameter of 1 meter. That’s not good for your car’s suspension.”
Mr. X. “That is nothing.”
TAMBAI, “It may seem like nothing but remember you do this very often for other routes and your average additional fuel of 5 litres per month, and 60 litres per year, and repair of your suspension will cost you 30k Zig, that is equivalent to US$ 1k at the current black market rate.”
Mr. X. “Don’t be too fussy. I know what I am doing.”
TAMBAI “Suit yourself.”
Mr. X approaches the intersection of Hebert Chitepo Avenue and Sam Nujoma Street (named after the late first President of Namibia).
TAMBAI, “There is a bit of congestion ahead. Yes, I can sense the traffic light is not functioning and no one is controlling the traffic, so there is chaos. Be calm, a policeman should come soon.”
After 20 minutes of gridlock a policeman starts to direct traffic and order resumes.
TAMBAI, “Now turn left and proceed towards Robert Mugabe Road.”
Mr. X. “Actually I will go to the doctor first as the appointment is in ten minutes now.”
TAMBAI, “we can make it if there is no other intersection chaos.”
Mrs. X. “While we are here, you might as well turn right into Selous Avenue (named after Frederick Courteney Selous, a British explorer in Southern Africa in the late 1800s to early 1900s.)
I need to pick up my outfit which was being adjusted.”
TAMBAI, “NO! Mr. X will be late.”
Mr. X, “Its Ok, otherwise I have to come back this way again.”
TAMBAI, “I give up.”
Mr. X, “No you can’t give up. You are not human. Only humans can give up. You and other AI, are designed to solve problems and much more.”
TAMBAI, “WATCH OUT! There is an oncoming kombi in your lane!”
Mr. X, ducks to the left edge and hits a sizeable pothole. Raising his fist he shouts “Lunatic! Phew, that was close
TAMBAI, “They say I am designed as a machine which is not sentient. How come driving with you in Harare stresses me?”
Mr. X. “That is because you were trained on European traffic, not African. You need to be a little more resilient in Africa.”
TAMBAI, “You can say that again. Add to that your cantankerous attitude.”
Perhaps I shall not replace my wife with TAMBAI after all. The AI technology, although quite advanced in the developed countries, it will not cope in the streets of Harare.
